Observations for the Holidays by Jeanna Riley, Ph.D. reprinted here:
You or Me, or I and Thou
In utero and at birth, we all have the same needs. In utero, we need nutrients, a warm and safe womb, and a mother who feels at peace with herself and her baby. At birth, we all need a mother who physically and emotionally nurtures us. We need to experience attachment, safety, love, attunement, and mirroring. When we are deprived of these necessities, we are wounded. If we have “good enough” parenting, the wounds are not so demanding of our attention, although still present. If we don’t have good enough parenting, the wounds can take a demanding role in our lives. As we grow, our wounds may be inflicted on others. And the wounds of others may be inflicted on us. This dynamic can set up a dualistic style of being; that is, a you vs. me, a them vs. us state; a zero sum mentality. The race is on (the human race) of competition, one upsmanship, loser or winner, resulting in envy and jealousy. This dualistic, black and white modality does not contribute to the healing of our wounds or the wounds of others. A good friend of mine, Lyda, recognized the unresolved grief that forms the scaffolding holding the wounds and the envy. The losses that caused the wounds have not been grieved. Instead, piles of unproductive emotions have been accumulated and acted upon without explicit knowledge of the problem. We are wounded, so we strike out to defend ourselves. Out of this, we see bigotry arise, dismissal of those who are “different,” bitterness and hatred develop and are fueled by our unresolved wounds. There are arguments, disrespect, verbal fights, physical fights, wars. All created by our early unhealed wounds and unresolved grief.
What if, just what if, we were to recognize the destructive, unfulfilling path we are on. Become aware of our own dynamics, of our own pain. Then, what if, just what if, we allowed ourselves to grieve about our losses; to cry and wail, if this is what is needed. Then, what if, just what if, we held that little child in ourselves and comforted her/him? What if we could feel true compassion of the struggles we’ve gone through and could give love. Under this nurturing care, perhaps our wounds would begin to heal. Scars might begin to form, reminding us of the wounds, but the wounds no longer bleeding. Then, what if, just what if, we could begin to feel compassion for others; others who strike out to hurt us, others who betray us, other who are hurting as we have hurt.”
I think we would evolve from a “You or Me” to an “I and Thou” as Martin Buber so beautifully describes. We would realize that we are all connected; we are one tapestry, different threads making an amazing piece of art. We would no longer need to strike others out of our pain nor strike back when someone strikes at us.
If we were filled with compassion for ourselves, we could feel compassion for others.
As our granddaughter quoted, “When you pick a flower, you jiggle a star.”
Now, it is my work to honor connection with compassion.